Jason Mraz’s latest album came out last week.
My review: Good!
This is what Jason’s hair looks like now.
My review: Wtf? Not good!
What happened to the guy that used to look like this:
I think I’ve figured it out. This new hair is an important step for Jason. He’s transitioning. Like Britney, he’s “not a girl, not yet a woman.”
Or something like that, just stay with me. A lot of pop stars, both male and female, burst out of the 18+ gate, shoving their sexuality in our faces like they’re afraid that if they didn’t we’d just assume they lacked genitals. Britney Spears, Xtina, and Miley Cyrus danced their way through this stage. With the boys is happens a bit later, as their “handlers” no doubt encourage them to maintain a squeaky clean image to appease the strongest part of their fan base: twelve year-old girls.
But when the male pop star reaches around age twenty… the slimy songs begin.
Case in point: Justin Timberlake.
Sample lyrics: “He doesn’t love ya/ I can tell by his charm/ But you could feel this real love/ if you just lay in my arms” (Yeah, I just BET she could feel your “love” if she laid in your arms. Ew, Justin.)
Mr. Bieber, though only a naif 18, is already singing about “Chillin by the fire” and “eatin’ fondue” (which his mom no doubt heated up in the microwave, but still). His slimy songs will be here soon. No word though on whether his mother will continue to prepare snacks for him and his dates.
Back to Jason Mraz: he skipped all this! He sailed onto the music scene in his mid-twenties. He was gentle, smiley, and short-haired. Unassuming. Safe. A very talented singer. Jason just rode the coattails of his talent, never once bothering to titilate us or make mothers cover their children’s eyes. It was all very un-American.
And so in order to avoid forever being the same old boring, short haired, cute, normal-seeming, very talented singer, Jason had to make a splash sometime. His hair is that splash.
…very possibly literally, depending on how much grease that mop can’t help but hold.
Recently a very good musician friend of mine (good friend or good musician? That’s for me to know, him to wonder, and for you to probably never care about) pointed out to me that too many songs end something like this:
“I’m desperate and need to see you…” / “I’m going to do something to change my life…” / “I’m making this promise to you…” / “We’re going to do it(!)…” / “I’m anticipating major gang activity…”
Everyone from Neon Trees to Toby Keith to Vanessa Carlton to Elton John has done this. Guys, they all have, like, very time sensitive things to say, okay? But besides that, “tonight” just sounds super dramatic, urgent, and most importantly, way less creepy than “now.” *
But don’t take my word for it!
* Seriously, listen to these songs but imagine the singer saying “now” at the end instead of “tonight.” Suddenly they all seem like very unbalanced people. **
** I mean like more so than before.
I do not know much about the Australian duo Air Supply other than the fact that their hit “Making Love Out of Nothing at All” is the epitome of a power ballad. It would be easy to say that listening to this song five times in a row was out of my control or even “lol i was so lazy i didnt feel like turning off repeat” but in fact my actions were quite intentional. This song is like musical crack to me.
Russell Hitchcock, the lead singer and only non-Dave Coulier lookalike member of Air Supply, begins the song by enumerating the many things he is capable of, including but not limited to whispering, crying, scheming, and dreaming. Lest you find that bag of tricks unimpressive, Russel also knows:
“Where to find the answers”
“how to lie”
“where to touch you”
and “the name of the game.”
But Russell Hitchcock is only human and there is one thing that even he does not know: