Some things that I will not be buying at Gap

1) A Hunting Outfit

Taking a page from this season’s hunting sportswear, Gap has paired their “Super Skinny Twill Pants” with their “Stitch Turtleneck Sweater.”  What an interesting and fashionable reappropriation of the clothes worn by those who kill animals for sport! Finally, the voices of women country-wide have been heard.  I can’t even tell you how many times I have wanted to look like I am about to go out and kill deer and been so disappointed that no casual, everyday, non-regulation hunting clothes for women existed.

Just wondering – does Gap know that hunters wear bright orange with camouflage not because it LOOKS GOOD but because it is often required by law as a measure to prevent hunters from accidentally shooting each other?

2) At worst a straight jacket, at best a thing your four year old daughter made

I’m getting such a straight jacket vibe from this, although that may just be because I can’t imagine anyone putting this on unless it was against their will.

Here’s some of what Gap has to say about their “Military Jacket:”

“Long dolman sleeves” – Oh great, dolman sleeves! THOSE ALWAYS FLATTER.

“Rear shoulder yoke with folded edge”  – I can’t… what does that even mean? To break it down: the jacket has a shoulder yoke… in the rear…. and the edge of said yoke is folded. Okay… neat.  From what I understand, the yoke helps to shape and improves the fit of the jacket.  So I think the only important thing in this case is that THE YOKE FAILED.

“Relaxed, blousy fit”  – Uh, when it looks like someone could smuggle a sandwich tray under the jacket, I think “relaxed fit” goes without saying.

3) This sweater

Seriously, Gap, I’m not asking you to go all Ralph Lauren on your models, but when the picture comes out like this…

You need to do some light photoshopping!  Or just reshoot the model except this time have her wear a sweater that’s two sizes smaller in the waist then this one! Or just burn the sweater! I don’t know.

This woman is probably 6 foot tall and 110 pounds, but with the sweater on she looks pretty darn average.  C’mon, Gap, fool us a little bit!!!  If a gorgeous, impossibly thin model looks like a lumpy, bloated potato in this sweater than what the hell hope is there for the rest of us??

Acid Rain Conditioner – only 99 cents!

Me in the the grocery store:

I need a new conditioner! Hmm, last month I bought an expensive one and it wasn’t all that. I think I’ll go back to the cheapo now.

[Madeline reaches her hand toward a bottle of Suave but is distracted by a LOWER PRICE]

Wait… what’s this? White Rain Energizing Citrus …Ninety-nine cents. Good NIGHT they’re practically giving this stuff away! Whew…I’m so glad I realized that expensive conditioner isn’t worth the money.

[Dark clouds form overhead. Madeline puts the White Rain Energizing Citrus conditioner into her cart. She does not notice the ominous dark clouds even though she’s indoors and that really isn’t normal]

Fast forward to the next morning. I’m in the shower, putting on the conditioner, and completely damning my frugality to hell. Because White Rain’s Energizing Citrus is literally the worst conditioner (energizing or otherwise) that I have ever tried. Here’s why:

1) The “Energizing Citrus” scent is horrible. Although its smell does indeed “energize” me to get the hell out of the shower, by “citrus” they must mean “citrus-smelling floor cleaner commonly used in nursing homes.”

2) The consistency of this product is somewhere between relish and a watery salad dressing. This would not be an appealing condiment and it is certainly not an appealing conditioner texture.

3) Back to the smell, because I just remembered another thing it reminds me of: throw-up disinfectant. Seriously, throw some sawdust in the shower and the next person would be all “Hey, who threw up in here?”

4) What is “white rain” anyway? Acid rain? What other kind of rain would be white?

“But Madeline,” you say, “I don’t care about conditioner. I’m sure you are exaggerating.”

You’re right, I am doing that. But please do not underestimate how awful this conditioner is! Honestly, you would be better off if you just poured melted butter all over your hair and sprayed it with Febreeze. Your hair will be softer and it’ll smell better too.

Easter & Spiders: My Wonderful Weekend at Home

Here is what to do if (you are me and) you are scared of spiders (like I am) and you find one in your house (like I did this past weekend while visiting home for Easter!!!!!!!!1)

Step 1

Go to the bathroom. Sit on toilet. Pee. Look at the floor to your right and see a daddy-longlegs spider.

Step 2

Realize that you are not looking at a daddy-longlegs.

Step 3

Panic.  Try to finish quickly. Pee in pants a tiny bit in effort to quickly get away from what looks like a poisonous spider. [Criteria for looking like a poisonous spider: not looking like a daddy-longlegs]

Step 4

Enlist younger brother to grab spider-trapping supplies. Remain in bathroom and stare at enemy spider to make sure it doesn’t leave and go hide somewhere to plan later attack.

Step 5

Trap spider in between tupperwear container and printer paper in an epic five minute long struggle (wherein the spider largely remains motionless).

Step 6

In true Teddy Geiger fashion, muster up every ounce of confidence you have (teen pop singer with a 2006 sort of radio hit…no?  fine) and dump spider into high-security spider cage, or, if one is not available, an old plastic container that once held feta cheese.  Freak out and scream every 2 seconds during the process.  Notice six year old brother beside you calmly playing with Legos.

Step 7

Quickly put lid on container and resist urge to throw it across the room.  Place it on kitchen counter.

Make a sign so your family knows what is in the container.  Note: it is not feta cheese!

Step 8

Show your mother the spider when she gets home.  Be ridiculed.  Forget about spider and resume normal activities (play some Nintendo and eat some guacamole).

Step 9

Later, realize that spider container is no longer on kitchen counter. Ask family members where it is.  Receive no information.

Step 10

Spend rest of the weekend knowing that the spider is watching you.  Take your mind off of it with more Nintendo and guacamole.