I figured out what’s going on with Jason Mraz’s hair

Jason Mraz’s latest album came out last week.

Love is a Four Letter Word. (Wow. Math=done)

My review: Good!

This is what Jason’s hair looks like now.

At least it's parted?

My review: Wtf? Not good!

What happened to the guy that used to look like this:

Screenshot from 2003 "Remedy" music video. It appears to have been filmed immediately following Jason's birth.

I think I’ve figured it out. This new hair is an important step for Jason. He’s transitioning. Like Britney, he’s “not a girl, not yet a woman.”

Or something like that, just stay with me.  A lot of pop stars, both male and female, burst out of the 18+ gate, shoving their sexuality in our faces like they’re afraid that if they didn’t we’d just assume they lacked genitals.  Britney Spears, Xtina, and Miley Cyrus danced their way through this stage. With the boys is happens a bit later, as their “handlers” no doubt encourage them to maintain a squeaky clean image to appease the strongest part of their fan base: twelve year-old girls.

But when the male pop star reaches around age twenty… the slimy songs begin.

Case in point: Justin Timberlake.

Song: “Senorita”

Sample lyrics: “He doesn’t love ya/ I can tell by his charm/ But you could feel this real love/ if you just lay in my arms” (Yeah, I just BET she could feel your “love” if she laid in your arms. Ew, Justin.)

Mr. Bieber, though only a naif 18,  is already singing about “Chillin by the fire” and “eatin’ fondue” (which his mom no doubt heated up in the microwave, but still). His slimy songs will be here soon. No word though on whether his mother will continue to prepare snacks for him and his dates.

Back to Jason Mraz: he skipped all this! He sailed onto the music scene in his mid-twenties. He was gentle, smiley, and short-haired. Unassuming. Safe. A very talented singer. Jason just rode the coattails of his talent, never once bothering to titilate us or make mothers cover their children’s eyes. It was all very un-American.

And so in order to avoid forever being the same old boring, short haired, cute, normal-seeming, very talented singer, Jason had to make a splash sometime. His hair is that splash.

 …very possibly literally, depending on how much grease that mop can’t help but hold.

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Would it be really weird to sell my hair?

Whenever I mention to my friends that I’ve thought about selling my hair, sometimes they look at me in a way that says “How did I ever become friends with this person?”

And I get it! Before I looked into it, the only association I had with the practice of selling hair was from the classic Christmas story, The Gift of the Magi.  You know, the one the husband and wife are dirt poor but so in love and so selfless that the wife cuts off her knee length hair (and the story makes it clear that her hair is like her only selling point) to buy a chain for her husband’s watch, BUT MEANWHILE the husband sells his watch (his most prized possession – remember who he’s married to?) to buy his wife a beautiful set of combs.  Neither spouse tells the other what they are up to, and on Christmas morning they realize why a clear channel of communication is so important in an relationship. Oh, the [situational] irony!

I'll admit, this is what I originally thought a "set of combs" was. Was really questioning the husband's judgement on that one.

Okay since I might sell my hair, I guess I should put it out there to any friends planning on buying me a beautiful set of combs: please don’t.

Ok, great! Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way…  er no I still feel really weird about it.  Originally I was just going to donate my hair to Locks of Love, which I’ve done before. But then I read some articles that raised questions about the charity’s practice of selling “unusable” hair to offset manufacturing costs. There seemed to be some heavy implications that these hair donations may not all be going to children with alopecia.  In an unrelated story, “Hear the Secrets behind Real Housewife of New Jersey Teresa Giudice’s Thick, Luscious Hair!”

The secret to my hair is THAT YOU NEED TO STFU AND STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

Upon this discovery, I thought that maybe I would just sell my hair, make some money, and then donate to an organization that supports children with hair loss.  So I looked into it.  BuyandSellHair.com is the “#1 Human Hair Global Marketplace.”  I wish they would just call it “EBAY BUT FOR HAIR.”  I’m a bit skeptical of Hairwork.com, simply because they seem content with the website design they started with in 1997.  Oh but wait they also sell horse hair by the pound.

Really an as of yet unsurpassed level of convenience

Mmmmm I don’t know if I can do this. Most likely I won’t. Maybe. I don’t know, probably not. Should I?


G-ma “no small fish” in Oklahoma drug trade

The biggest player in the drug trade in the Grand Lake, Oklahoma area has been caught!

Is this your grandmother?

Following a four month long investigation, Police found:

  • 4 lbs marijuana
  • $278,000 cash
  • 5 butterscotch candies
  • 1 travel-sized bottle of Purell

According to CNN’s report, “more and more senior citizens are turning to drug trafficking as a way to make extra money after retirement.” And you thought your grandmother was just putting in ten hours a week at the library.


Here’s how to write a song with a completely clichéd ending

Recently a very good musician friend of mine (good friend or good musician? That’s for me to know, him to wonder, and for you to probably never care about) pointed out to me that too many songs end something like this:

“I’m desperate and need to see you…” / “I’m going to do something to change my life…” / “I’m making this promise to you…” / “We’re going to do it(!)…” / “I’m anticipating major gang activity…”

….[dramatic pause]….

TOOOONIIIIIIIIIIGHT

Everyone from Neon Trees to Toby Keith to Vanessa Carlton to Elton John has done this. Guys, they all have, like, very time sensitive things to say, okay?  But besides that, “tonight” just sounds super dramatic, urgent, and most importantly, way less creepy than “now.”  *

But don’t take my word for it!

Seriously, listen to these songs but imagine the singer saying “now” at the end instead of “tonight.” Suddenly they all seem like very unbalanced people. **

** I mean like more so than before.


Filed Under: How have I missed THIS at the grocery store??

Sometimes I wish Esquire would stop being so coy about what the theme of their issue is.