Here is what to do if (you are me and) you are scared of spiders (like I am) and you find one in your house (like I did this past weekend while visiting home for Easter!!!!!!!!1)
Go to the bathroom. Sit on toilet. Pee. Look at the floor to your right and see a daddy-longlegs spider.
Realize that you are not looking at a daddy-longlegs.
Panic. Try to finish quickly. Pee in pants a tiny bit in effort to quickly get away from what looks like a poisonous spider. [Criteria for looking like a poisonous spider: not looking like a daddy-longlegs]
Enlist younger brother to grab spider-trapping supplies. Remain in bathroom and stare at enemy spider to make sure it doesn’t leave and go hide somewhere to plan later attack.
Trap spider in between tupperwear container and printer paper in an epic five minute long struggle (wherein the spider largely remains motionless).
In true Teddy Geiger fashion, muster up every ounce of confidence you have (teen pop singer with a 2006 sort of radio hit…no? fine) and dump spider into high-security spider cage, or, if one is not available, an old plastic container that once held feta cheese. Freak out and scream every 2 seconds during the process. Notice six year old brother beside you calmly playing with Legos.
Quickly put lid on container and resist urge to throw it across the room. Place it on kitchen counter.
Make a sign so your family knows what is in the container. Note: it is not feta cheese!
Show your mother the spider when she gets home. Be ridiculed. Forget about spider and resume normal activities (play some Nintendo and eat some guacamole).
Later, realize that spider container is no longer on kitchen counter. Ask family members where it is. Receive no information.
Spend rest of the weekend knowing that the spider is watching you. Take your mind off of it with more Nintendo and guacamole.
You see a lot of strange things living on a college campus. But the one thing that’s left me confused since freshman year is seeing someone running at night. And I”m not talking about the exercise, I’m talking about the locomotion. (By the way, typing that word just reminded me of elementary school gym when we had a unit on locomotion and we practiced different examples like the gallop, the skip, and the walk. I mean how dumb were we back then that we had to practice walking? …Anyway!) Because while I do find it strange to see people exercising late at night, whats more confusing is when I see someone running at night, clad in what is clearly non-athletic apparel. And that type of “runner” is what comprises most of the items on this list of…
Reasons Why People Run at Night
1) They are an exercise freak.
If you keep up a running regiment that is awesome! I salute your commitment to fitness. But, and while I understand busy schedules, wanting to run at the end of the day, waiting until the air is cooler during the summer etc, if you run after midnight I think something is wrong with you. I mean aren’t you scared of the dark? I am! But really you are just making me feel lazy and bad about myself and I don’t like it.
2) They are playing tag or any other “fun” game meant for elementary aged children. (Humans vs. Zombies people I am looking at you.)
While I find this reason for running a little strange I always give the person the benefit of the doubt and assume that whatever electronics they own must have just broken. Also they must be in a fight or something with their “normal” friends so they’re ignoring them for the time being but soon they’ll probably forgive them and resume their friendship and go back to doing more age-appropriate fun activities at night like watching TV. Or playing Gin Rummy.
3) They are running from the cops.
A rare reason, yes. But probably the only one I truly understand the reasoning behind.
And the final reason people run at night, the reason that I always assume to be true mainly because I live in the bubble of my college world where people rarely have their priorities in order and all logical reasoning pretty much goes out the window:
4) They are late to a party with a limited amount of beer.
If the runner in question isn’t intentionally exercising, playing a friendly game or being chased by the cops then I honestly can think of no other motivation but free alcohol. This is college after all.*
*Mom, you know I hate exercising so believe me when I say I have never run at night…or during the day…or anytime at all until I turned 21.