When I first saw the Bass Pro Shops Master Catalog 2011

I was like

“Oh. What a gigantic waste of paper.”

But I’m a huge fan of catalogs. We get dozens of them at my house and I read them all, everything from woman’s apparel catalogs like Chadwicks (that specialize in clogs and multicolored suede), to old standbys like Harry and David and LL Bean, to even the lesser known ones like Doheny’s Water Warehouse (that seem boring but are actually goldmine time wasters).  Catalogs emit some sort of mystical energy from their glossy cores that immediately:

1) Alerts me of their existence in a room

2) Compels me to read them from cover to cover

And despite my initial misgivings things were no different with this whopper. With 700 pages ahead of me full of crap from “The World’s Leading Supplier of Premium Fishing Tackle” I cleared my schedule for the evening. Here are some things from the catalog that I want.

*~*Madelines BaSs PrO sHoPs WISH LIST 2011*~*

By: Madeline

 

1) This t-shirt, for ironic value

I also like this one

because based on the dog’s face I can assume only assume it stands for “NO! WTF!?”

2) Blow up chair for my room.

Takes me back to the days of elementary school (Okay, 6th grade) when I had a pink blow-up chair in my room and I thought I was such a badass.

This one would also be nice because if there was a flood I could just strap myself inside of this and float to safety.

3) Three Piece Furniture Set

Won’t this look great in my living room! And if need be I can move it outside into the woods and it will totally blend in.

4) Car Decoration

I was just noticing how unimpressive and wimpy my car looks with only an air freshener as decoration.

And I can think of no better place than my rear view mirror to hang an eight pronged weapon that will swing around widely and eventually impale me.

5) Extreme Sun Protection.

In this day and age you can never be too careful!

It seems like the UV Buff Headware would be really flattering.

knew it.



A short play inspired by some inappropriate Bahamian jewelry

Hi. This is my cart of stuff I sell.  On it you will find scrunchies, half blown up balloons, and overtly sexual wooden pendants.

While I can certainly understand the purpose (if not the appeal) of wearing one of the lovely “message pendants” shown above, I feel like the one with just a “69” might not adequately convey the intended message.  Below, a short play.

 Hold the Pickles Please: a Seduction by the Deep Fryer

Characters:

Overtly sexual pendent wearer: Male/Female, mid forties. Extroverted.

McDonald’s Employee: Male, age 16. Took the job to save up for a car. Earns minimum wage. Close with family, well liked by peers. Just wants to get through work and go home.

ACT 1

OVERTLY SEXUAL PENDENT WEARER: [approaches counter] Hi, do you like my necklace? I don’t know if you thought the number on it was my age or like the number of my favorite football player but just so you know it refers to a thing that I like to do sexually.

MC DONALD’S EMPLOYEE:  I’m just supposed to take your order and hand you your food. [pause, remembering] Welcome to McDonald’s.

OSPW: Oh okay. [quickly glances at menu] Fries. But like I didn’t know if you thought that it was my lucky number or if it referred to the item count of a collection I have of like stamps or buttons or state quarters or whatever-

MCDE: What size?

OSPW: Uh…Medium. Back to my necklace.  I just want you to know and…

MCDE: [talking over, loudly] For here or to go?

OSPW:  …UNDERSTAND that the number is code for a thing that I like to do…

MCDE: I’ll just bag them for you…

OSPW: [interrupting] sexually.

Silence. Both stand still for a moment listening to the bustling sounds around them. A cash register beeps.

MCDE: Please stop propositioning me.

THE END


I’m always right on the cusp of video game trends (of 15 years ago)

After a four month long struggle and about eighty fights with my bossy 6 year old brother I finally beat Super Mario 64. I’ve had the game since I was like 8 or something but could never get my shit together enough to beat it until now. So thank you college for somehow making me better at Nintendo and helping me to gain respect from my little brother. OR SO I THOUGHT!

Because the exact same day that I beat the game my brother got Super Mario for his Nintendo DS. This was our conversation.

Me: Oh my god! Samuel!! I finally won Super Mario, look!

Samuel:

Me: SAMUEL. You have been asking me every day to play this game and win stars. LOOK. I have won the game and ALL. OF. THE. STARS.

Samuel: ….I got a new game for my DS. Will you win stars for me?

But I am no good at DS because I have fat fingers as well as a hint of carpal tunnel. I kept making excuses to Samuel for why I couldn’t play his new game and eventually he moved on. But I found that I missed playing Nintendo 64 so I looked through the other games that we had. I’d already mastered Mario Kart. Mario Party gets boring. I always hated that dumb Wave Race game and I didn’t know where the hell our Superman game came from but I had about as much interest in playing it as I did in seeking an alternate form of entertainment that was non-electronic.

Then I found this game:

So basically that is what I’ll be doing today.


The latest take on forearm warmers

Have you recently learned how to knit?

Did you create some two toned, clashing, three piece set, the colors of which somehow do not attractively coordinate with any natural color of the rainbow? Does your child hate what you made? Do you beg them to wear it to school, but they say they’re too embarrassed?

Are you tired of their selfishness because, gosh, you know, you do so much for them and for once it would be great if they would just do something you said not because they wanted to but because it would make you happy? Do they still refuse? Do you threaten to take away TV, computer, and cellphone privileges and they still stand firm? And then even when you tell them that you will stop feeding them anything but bread and water and okay maybe some lunch meat for protein they still won’t wear it? And then you’re all okay well fine you have to have milk so you can continue to grow but nothing else and they STILL won’t wear your creation?

And then you’re like no you know what forget the milk and food *just water* because if you’re really hungry you will just wear what I goddamn made? And even when they’re too weak to get our of bed they somehow still have the strength to swat away the magenta/peach coordinating separates that you slaved over?


Here is what I have to say to everyone involved in this unfortunate situation


To whoever is responsible for what that poor girl is wearing: You have knitted one of the ugliest things I’ve ever seen in my life.  I would sooner eat that hat then wear it.

To the girl in the picture: You are clearly the victim of some questionable parenting.  If its any consolation, you seem like you are nice as well as good at blowing bubbles.

To Target Portrait Studios: Dammit, TPS!  First facelift baby and now this?  I just don’t understand why you take these weird pictures let alone PROUDLY DISPLAY THEM.


After listening to Air Supply on repeat for like thirty minutes

I do not know much about the Australian duo Air Supply other than the fact that their hit “Making Love Out of Nothing at All” is the epitome of a power ballad. It would be easy to say that listening to this song five times in a row was out of my control or even “lol i was so lazy i didnt feel like turning off repeat” but in fact my actions were quite intentional.  This song is like musical crack to me.

Russell Hitchcock, the lead singer and only non-Dave Coulier lookalike member of Air Supply, begins the song by enumerating the many things he is capable of, including but not limited to whispering, crying, scheming, and dreaming.  Lest you find that bag of tricks unimpressive, Russel also knows:


“Where to find the answers”

 

“how to lie”

 

 

“where to touch you”

 

and “the name of the game.”



But Russell Hitchcock is only human and there is one thing that even he does not know:

how to make love out of nothing at all.