Waking up early for no reason or, “Unearned Pride: How to Acquire it”

I have always loved the idea of getting up early on days when I don’t have to and joining the exclusive (yet completely imaginary) club of early risers.  This false sense of accomplishment probably came from the summers that my cousins and I would spend at our grandparent’s beach house. During these visits, I would always strive to be one of the first to wake up because I enjoyed the solitude…. it also meant that I had first choice of breakfast cereal and got to decide what to watch on TV.

Because come on, there’s just nothing like that feeling of superiority you get when you’ve been up for awhile and you’re just hanging out, watching TV, and your family member/friend groggily walks down the stairs squinting and with hair that looks like they just stepped out of a wind tunnel. And you’re just there feeling fresh and enjoying your eyesight that has long adjusted to the light and you’re just like “Oh, hey, what’s up?  By the way there’s no more Lucky Charms, I finished them.  Nana said there is plenty of store brand shredded wheat left, though.  It’s in the box with the two years past expiration date. I hope you like the Cosby Show!”

Another entry from my sixth grade diary (with footnotes!)

Here is another entry from the diary I kept when I was eleven, with footnotes of my commentary today.  If you’d like, you can read an earlier entry from my diary to get some context, although this will probably only make you proud of what a cool 6th grader you were.  Ugh…oh my god, like, whatever!

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I get by with a little help from Phil Donahue

Recently I found these glasses at my house.

Lazy reenactment of finding the glasses. Obviously I did not feel like making my bed.

My first thought was “Who’s are these?” Quickly followed by “I WANT THEM TO BE MINE.”

And now I will say two things:

  1. I love glasses – the look of them on others, trying them on in stores, trying on my friend’s glasses, taking pictures of me in my friend’s glasses, putting pictures of me in aforementioned glasses on Facebook, quickly accumulating an embarrassing amount of said pictures, etc.
  2. I do not need glasses.  At all.

I assumed that the glasses had been purchased by my brother or sister to serve as the finishing touch on a “hipster” costume. I think it is obvious why I thought this – these are the epitome of “glasses that you wear because OMG they are like so old-fashioned and dorky!” and have thus become a staple of the trendy hipster look.  Sometimes I want to wear glasses like this only I really don’t think they would go with my wardrobe that is 99.9% Gap and Target. It would be a confusing mixture of irony and, I don’t know… sincerity? laziness?

Well I had all but given up hope that (barring a massive wardrobe upheaval) I would ever be able to wear glasses like this.  Until I found out that the specs were actually purchased by my stepfather a couple of years ago when he played Phil Donahue in a skit.

So maybe that’s how I’ll play it:

“Why are you wearing those? ….You don’t need glasses. And besides I really think that a more understated and “mainstream” pair would look better with your jeans and  gray long sleeve crew neck.  By the way didn’t you just wear that shirt like two days ago?  The stain on it looks really familiar.”

“I’m playing Phil Donahue in a skit later today. And go to hell!”