Waking up early for no reason or, “Unearned Pride: How to Acquire it”

I have always loved the idea of getting up early on days when I don’t have to and joining the exclusive (yet completely imaginary) club of early risers.  This false sense of accomplishment probably came from the summers that my cousins and I would spend at our grandparent’s beach house. During these visits, I would always strive to be one of the first to wake up because I enjoyed the solitude…. it also meant that I had first choice of breakfast cereal and got to decide what to watch on TV.

Because come on, there’s just nothing like that feeling of superiority you get when you’ve been up for awhile and you’re just hanging out, watching TV, and your family member/friend groggily walks down the stairs squinting and with hair that looks like they just stepped out of a wind tunnel. And you’re just there feeling fresh and enjoying your eyesight that has long adjusted to the light and you’re just like “Oh, hey, what’s up?  By the way there’s no more Lucky Charms, I finished them.  Nana said there is plenty of store brand shredded wheat left, though.  It’s in the box with the two years past expiration date. I hope you like the Cosby Show!”

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A recap of this week’s Sing Off

DIN DIN AHHHH DIN DIN AHHHHH

My heart is pounding! The Sing Off begins with a “spooky” opening number. I would like to point out here that this episode was filmed sometime last spring or summer. Still I can’t help but love how musical theatery this number is. And…

CLARK MOMENT ALERT! During the group number Clark gets a solo line: “I ain’t afraid of no ghost! HUH!” he sings in the sassiest way possible, flipping his pompadour out of his eyes. I can already tell that this is going to be a good episode. Clark is wearing a gigantic mustache, and obviously it looks fantastic.

Then Nick Lachey comes out, smiling like someone just told him that 98 Degrees is getting back together. He looks good in his eggplant button down shirt.  It’s Superstar Medley week!

After the break, Urban Method does a Rhianna mash up. I like it, though I think the fact that it “showcased the ladies,” took away from what they’re best at  – showcasing the men. Sara and Sean both ramble about “confidence” and “finding themselves in the music,” forgetting for a moment that they aren’t counselors at a summer camp.

Next up is Vocal Point – the ‘morms! – with an Elvis medley. OH MY GOSH THEY SOUND SO GOOD.  If I hear a single negative word from the judges I will throw a bible at the TV.

Heading my warning, the judges have nothing but positive things to say. Oh except Ben Folds says that they are “back” this week, referring to their slightly pitchy but emotionally charged performance they gave last week.  For god’s sake Ben, their long-lost member returned after attending his fathers funeral and then sang a song dedicated to him!  What they lacked in pitch they more than made up for in tears rolling down my cheeks.

Afro Blue is up next with a Janet Jackson mashup.  I want to know where they found these unisex robin’s egg blue leather jackets. Bit of a specialty item there.

One of the first things out of Shawn’s mouth is about their hair. Lord. Then Sara lays it all out on the table for Afro Blue: “You are really good at this,” she says. I don’t know, Sara, I just think we’re past the point of validating their existence as a group. Shawn is complimenting their hair for crying out loud.

Wait, Sara is not done yet…she thinks they were “too ambitious” with this performance. “I got lost in it,” she says. OH MY GOD SARA. Just sit back and listen! Don’t let your mind wander! LITERALLY ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LISTEN AND WATCH. Ben somehow “found his way” through the performance and thought it was “smart,” “radical,” and “really good.” Ask him for help or something, I don’t know.

Moving on…we have the Dartmouth Aires with a Queen Medley. Their performance is flawless and the tall guy Michael is just…well, the word “electric” is popping into my mind and I never thought I would say something like that but who cares HE IS ELECTRIC. I AM ENGULFED IN FLAMES FROM THE ELECTIRICAL FIRE HE STARTED.

Got carried away there sorry.

Sara and Ben have nothing to say but how perfect the performance was. Shawn comments that it was “Like I was watching a Broadway play” <—I hate to be such a stickler here but, maybe you meant a musical, Shawn? Typically they are the ones with singing and dancing. I would normally never correct something like that but you just annoy me so darn much.

Time for Pentatonix! Wow, what an committed tribute to Britney Spears – the girl is not even wearing pants. The guys on the other hand are wearing these khaki monstrosities with decorative zippers. Possibly an attempt at evening things out, pants-wise.

As you might think, the dancing in their performance is very “sexually charged,” with lots of hip movement and, no, I’m not just talking about the girl. OH WHOA! Parents, cover your children’s eyes because the girl just did a spin and we got an eyeful!

Shawn rambles, Ben gives his typical technical critique and Sara appears to have a mini stroke. So, you know, the usual.

Now it’s Delilah‘s turn. But first Nick has to give us his spiel about this “not being just a recital,” in case everyone forgot what they were watching during the commercials. Shawn can’t sit still for more than thirty seconds so he takes this opportunity to flash peace signs at the camera.

He and Sara really are like two children that Ben Folds has been asked to babysit.

Delilah, who, one group member claims, inject “soul” into pop songs, are doing an Alisha Keys medley.Yes, I’ve always thought that what Alicia Keys really lacks is soul. Thank god this group of white girls is here to help her out!

I’m starting to get bored by Delilah, but the judges still sing their praises. Actually Sara starts talking about how great Alicia Keys is….Sara she is not the contestant here can you come back to earth please…..

“Great job!” she exclaims, channeling a 5 year old. Good enough for me.

Shawn begins his critique with a tone to his voice like “Enough goofing off guys, I’m gonna be serious and all mentor-y.”  But then all he says is stuff like “You delivered the leads the way you were supposed to deliver them,” (like do you mean…they sang them?) and “You had some guys in the audience blushing.”  Sigh.

Last but not least are the YellowJackets. They boys of are doing a Billy Joel medley. Ben remarks that they “brought some African influence in.”  Then it cuts to this shot:

Nice, NBC.

Before the judges announce who’s going home, the winners of last season, Committed, preform a Chris Brown medley. It’s surprising how enjoyable Chris Brown songs are when they’re not sung by a scary, violent, overgrown teenager.

The results are in! Predictably, the YellowJackets are sent home. Next week’s theme is “Rocking Out and Goin’ Country!”  From the looks of the preview, there is either going to be a wind machine or some sort of indoor storm. I’m all about the theatrics so I can’t wait.


Everything I needed to know about being a teenager I learned from Full House

I caught a rerun of Full House today. The crazy adventures of the Tanner gang were as enjoyable as always but it reminded me of something: as much as I loved Full House when I was younger, the damn show used to stress me out tremendously. Let me explain.
Continue Reading “Everything I Needed to Know…”