I figured out what’s going on with Jason Mraz’s hair

Jason Mraz’s latest album came out last week.

Love is a Four Letter Word. (Wow. Math=done)

My review: Good!

This is what Jason’s hair looks like now.

At least it's parted?

My review: Wtf? Not good!

What happened to the guy that used to look like this:

Screenshot from 2003 "Remedy" music video. It appears to have been filmed immediately following Jason's birth.

I think I’ve figured it out. This new hair is an important step for Jason. He’s transitioning. Like Britney, he’s “not a girl, not yet a woman.”

Or something like that, just stay with me.  A lot of pop stars, both male and female, burst out of the 18+ gate, shoving their sexuality in our faces like they’re afraid that if they didn’t we’d just assume they lacked genitals.  Britney Spears, Xtina, and Miley Cyrus danced their way through this stage. With the boys is happens a bit later, as their “handlers” no doubt encourage them to maintain a squeaky clean image to appease the strongest part of their fan base: twelve year-old girls.

But when the male pop star reaches around age twenty… the slimy songs begin.

Case in point: Justin Timberlake.

Song: “Senorita”

Sample lyrics: “He doesn’t love ya/ I can tell by his charm/ But you could feel this real love/ if you just lay in my arms” (Yeah, I just BET she could feel your “love” if she laid in your arms. Ew, Justin.)

Mr. Bieber, though only a naif 18,  is already singing about “Chillin by the fire” and “eatin’ fondue” (which his mom no doubt heated up in the microwave, but still). His slimy songs will be here soon. No word though on whether his mother will continue to prepare snacks for him and his dates.

Back to Jason Mraz: he skipped all this! He sailed onto the music scene in his mid-twenties. He was gentle, smiley, and short-haired. Unassuming. Safe. A very talented singer. Jason just rode the coattails of his talent, never once bothering to titilate us or make mothers cover their children’s eyes. It was all very un-American.

And so in order to avoid forever being the same old boring, short haired, cute, normal-seeming, very talented singer, Jason had to make a splash sometime. His hair is that splash.

 …very possibly literally, depending on how much grease that mop can’t help but hold.

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Here’s how to write a song with a completely clichéd ending

Recently a very good musician friend of mine (good friend or good musician? That’s for me to know, him to wonder, and for you to probably never care about) pointed out to me that too many songs end something like this:

“I’m desperate and need to see you…” / “I’m going to do something to change my life…” / “I’m making this promise to you…” / “We’re going to do it(!)…” / “I’m anticipating major gang activity…”

….[dramatic pause]….

TOOOONIIIIIIIIIIGHT

Everyone from Neon Trees to Toby Keith to Vanessa Carlton to Elton John has done this. Guys, they all have, like, very time sensitive things to say, okay?  But besides that, “tonight” just sounds super dramatic, urgent, and most importantly, way less creepy than “now.”  *

But don’t take my word for it!

Seriously, listen to these songs but imagine the singer saying “now” at the end instead of “tonight.” Suddenly they all seem like very unbalanced people. **

** I mean like more so than before.


A recap of this week’s Sing Off

DIN DIN AHHHH DIN DIN AHHHHH

My heart is pounding! The Sing Off begins with a “spooky” opening number. I would like to point out here that this episode was filmed sometime last spring or summer. Still I can’t help but love how musical theatery this number is. And…

CLARK MOMENT ALERT! During the group number Clark gets a solo line: “I ain’t afraid of no ghost! HUH!” he sings in the sassiest way possible, flipping his pompadour out of his eyes. I can already tell that this is going to be a good episode. Clark is wearing a gigantic mustache, and obviously it looks fantastic.

Then Nick Lachey comes out, smiling like someone just told him that 98 Degrees is getting back together. He looks good in his eggplant button down shirt.  It’s Superstar Medley week!

After the break, Urban Method does a Rhianna mash up. I like it, though I think the fact that it “showcased the ladies,” took away from what they’re best at  – showcasing the men. Sara and Sean both ramble about “confidence” and “finding themselves in the music,” forgetting for a moment that they aren’t counselors at a summer camp.

Next up is Vocal Point – the ‘morms! – with an Elvis medley. OH MY GOSH THEY SOUND SO GOOD.  If I hear a single negative word from the judges I will throw a bible at the TV.

Heading my warning, the judges have nothing but positive things to say. Oh except Ben Folds says that they are “back” this week, referring to their slightly pitchy but emotionally charged performance they gave last week.  For god’s sake Ben, their long-lost member returned after attending his fathers funeral and then sang a song dedicated to him!  What they lacked in pitch they more than made up for in tears rolling down my cheeks.

Afro Blue is up next with a Janet Jackson mashup.  I want to know where they found these unisex robin’s egg blue leather jackets. Bit of a specialty item there.

One of the first things out of Shawn’s mouth is about their hair. Lord. Then Sara lays it all out on the table for Afro Blue: “You are really good at this,” she says. I don’t know, Sara, I just think we’re past the point of validating their existence as a group. Shawn is complimenting their hair for crying out loud.

Wait, Sara is not done yet…she thinks they were “too ambitious” with this performance. “I got lost in it,” she says. OH MY GOD SARA. Just sit back and listen! Don’t let your mind wander! LITERALLY ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LISTEN AND WATCH. Ben somehow “found his way” through the performance and thought it was “smart,” “radical,” and “really good.” Ask him for help or something, I don’t know.

Moving on…we have the Dartmouth Aires with a Queen Medley. Their performance is flawless and the tall guy Michael is just…well, the word “electric” is popping into my mind and I never thought I would say something like that but who cares HE IS ELECTRIC. I AM ENGULFED IN FLAMES FROM THE ELECTIRICAL FIRE HE STARTED.

Got carried away there sorry.

Sara and Ben have nothing to say but how perfect the performance was. Shawn comments that it was “Like I was watching a Broadway play” <—I hate to be such a stickler here but, maybe you meant a musical, Shawn? Typically they are the ones with singing and dancing. I would normally never correct something like that but you just annoy me so darn much.

Time for Pentatonix! Wow, what an committed tribute to Britney Spears – the girl is not even wearing pants. The guys on the other hand are wearing these khaki monstrosities with decorative zippers. Possibly an attempt at evening things out, pants-wise.

As you might think, the dancing in their performance is very “sexually charged,” with lots of hip movement and, no, I’m not just talking about the girl. OH WHOA! Parents, cover your children’s eyes because the girl just did a spin and we got an eyeful!

Shawn rambles, Ben gives his typical technical critique and Sara appears to have a mini stroke. So, you know, the usual.

Now it’s Delilah‘s turn. But first Nick has to give us his spiel about this “not being just a recital,” in case everyone forgot what they were watching during the commercials. Shawn can’t sit still for more than thirty seconds so he takes this opportunity to flash peace signs at the camera.

He and Sara really are like two children that Ben Folds has been asked to babysit.

Delilah, who, one group member claims, inject “soul” into pop songs, are doing an Alisha Keys medley.Yes, I’ve always thought that what Alicia Keys really lacks is soul. Thank god this group of white girls is here to help her out!

I’m starting to get bored by Delilah, but the judges still sing their praises. Actually Sara starts talking about how great Alicia Keys is….Sara she is not the contestant here can you come back to earth please…..

“Great job!” she exclaims, channeling a 5 year old. Good enough for me.

Shawn begins his critique with a tone to his voice like “Enough goofing off guys, I’m gonna be serious and all mentor-y.”  But then all he says is stuff like “You delivered the leads the way you were supposed to deliver them,” (like do you mean…they sang them?) and “You had some guys in the audience blushing.”  Sigh.

Last but not least are the YellowJackets. They boys of are doing a Billy Joel medley. Ben remarks that they “brought some African influence in.”  Then it cuts to this shot:

Nice, NBC.

Before the judges announce who’s going home, the winners of last season, Committed, preform a Chris Brown medley. It’s surprising how enjoyable Chris Brown songs are when they’re not sung by a scary, violent, overgrown teenager.

The results are in! Predictably, the YellowJackets are sent home. Next week’s theme is “Rocking Out and Goin’ Country!”  From the looks of the preview, there is either going to be a wind machine or some sort of indoor storm. I’m all about the theatrics so I can’t wait.