The stirrup pants that changed everything

I was in third grade. My teacher called my class to the front for “carpet time.” You know, where you sat for what seemed like forever and talked about a book / spelling words / “What is soil?” / the “guess and check” method / “everyone put what you know about Christopher Columbus in the “K” column!” / “Here is a video about staying away from strangers” / “Friends, we really need to discuss who poured all the glue on the lizard cage.”  I distinctly remember my outfit:

  • An oversized white t shirt, probably from some vacation I didn’t even go on (thanks a lot family hand-me-downs)
  • White mountain clogs that gave me an extra two inches so I was able to tower over short teachers in addition to my entire grade
  • Forest green pleated stirrup pants

Unfortunately I can not find a picture of myself in the stirrups but Old Gold Vintage has kindly let me use a photo of a similar pair that recently sold in her Etsy store. So... imagine something like this on a freakishly tall 8 year old.

I looked down in my lap and noticed that my cotton forest green stirrup pants had begun to pill. Sweet, something to do during boring carpet time. I began to pull the little fluff balls off my pants.  I looked around the room, curious if any other girl was doing the same thing.

Huh, that’s weird. No one else is wearing anything but jeans today.

Wait.

Am I the only one that still wears these?

Shit.

I was suddenly so embarrassed.  How could I not have noticed the sea of blue denim surrounding the Island of Overgrown Moss that was my stirrup pants??  I couldn’t even remember the last time I had seen a pair of stirrup pants that wasn’t on a rerun of Clarissa Explains it All.  I had this horrible feeling that everyone in my class had been laughing at my pants for a long time. Oh god… I wear these like twice a week!

For the rest of the day, I felt like my stirrup pants were the pleated forest green elephant in the room.  I hid my ankles as well as I could but it wasn’t easy, given that my clogs basically provided a stage for them.

Even though no one ever said anything mean to me about those pants or even looked at them funny,  I never wore them again.  My love for them dissolved as quickly as you could say “Oh no, I’m standing out.”  Which is pretty dumb, isn’t it?  A kid that young should just wear what they want, right?  They shouldn’t have to care. Isn’t it kinda sad that I stopped wearing those stirrup pants that I loved so much just because no one else did?

Well…no.  You really have no idea what those things looked like in person.  Yeah, that moment on the carpet sticks out as the first time I felt pressure to be like everyone else. But more importantly, it was also the moment I began to suspect how unflattering stirrup pants truly are.


Camouflage Furniture wants a blog

I’m sorry, okay?

When I jokingly wrote about a three piece camouflage furniture set in a blog post about the Bass Pro Shops Master Catalogue I did not expect it to be such a blog view magnet. And truthfully…it isn’t. Well not for the average blog reader at least. More for people shopping online for a living room set that you could hide in the forest at a moment’s notice.

Here's the set in all it's - WAIT WHERE DID IT GO. IT IS BLENDING IN SO WELL I CAN NOT EVEN FIND IT.

I didn’t even know that shopping for camo furniture online was, well… done.  But there’s no denying it anymore, as evidenced by some of the most popular search terms that lead people to this blog. I’m talking about every possible combination of

  • camo / camouflage
  • living room / bedroom
  • furniture / set(s) / couch / chair(s) / recliner(s) / covers

…. including redundancies such as “Camo furniture chairs” and “Camo furniture camouflage.” And then there were additional “creative” spellings such as:

  • Camoflage furniture
  • Camoflause furnature
  • Camoflauge furtuner
  • Camaflouge funiture
  • Camo furtiner

PLUS some interesting “search phrases” that I would love to know the story behind:

  • Camofurnature.com – Wow, so sure of the spelling that you’re shooting straight for the website, huh?
  • “The Real Camo Furniture” – COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU
  • “simple camo living rooms” – None of that gaudy shit for me! I want the kind of camouflage furniture Martha Stewart would design.

So in short: I’m sorry that the Bass Pro Shops Master Catalogue 2011 blog post was so incredibly misleading, search-wise. And sorry that this one will no doubt epically mislead as well. I mean obviously I would hope that people would find my blog by googling things like “hilarious camouflage furniture satire” but we can’t win them all. People with camouflage furniture in their living room sure don’t.


Movie reviewers surprised by Channing Tatum’s comedic talents; clearly have never seen She’s the Man

It’s hard to sound “sarcastic and cool” (aka my sig. style) with a reference to the 2005 Amanda Bynes comedy She’s the Man. That is just a hurdle I will never be able to jump. I am, however, willing to expose my completely unironic like for the movie to make this point.

In the past week I’ve read several reviews of 21 Jump Street. Most say a version of the following:

  1. Movie overall: Not bad!
  2. Oh my god… Channing Tatum is… funny. No, no NO DON’T WALK AWAY UNTIL YOU HEAR ME OUT. I mean it. He made me… laugh. I just…wow. I didn’t know that Channing Tatum could ever make me feel this way  – like I can finally love again.

Okay, obviously paraphrased, but the main idea is 100% true. So many reviewers expressed surprise over Tatum’s comedic ability.  I just don’t understand this because, as mentioned above, he’s had comedic roles before (if you disagree with me on STM, check out The Dilemma) and, in my humble opinion, did not completely suck and was actually pretty good.

I even wonder why all of them included the “Tatum-is-really-funny-no-for-real-he-is bit” in their reviews.  Was there a general doubt in the public as to Tatum’s comedic talent?  Was this, like, a “thing?” (Oh the former exotic dancer Channing Tatum? No, there’s just no way he could perform well in anything but a SERIOUS ROLE.)  I feel like the reviewers think that the following conversation frequently occurs across America:

Person 1: Hey let’s see a movie this weekend.

Person 2: Good idea! You always have those. What do you want to see?

Person 1: I was thinking 21 Jump Street. Did you know that it is based on an 80’s TV show? I had not yet heard that fact!

Person 2: I meant to inturrupt you before your second sentence but then I got sidetracked by that brand new piece of information. But back to what is currently of the utmost importance: I will NOT see 21 Jump Street – because I want to laugh this weekend!  And the only way I can laugh during a movie is if BOTH of it’s stars have a consistent track record of making me laugh.  Jonah Hill is fine in my book but I know that I will leave the theater in a deep depression if I have to sit through 120 minutes of that humorless jughead Channing Tatum. He is not funny!!!! No, nope, no way and there is nothing you could do to convince me otherwise.

Person 1: Look at this review.

Person 2: BOY AM I AN IDIOT.


“Friends with Kids” poster: a study in ear obsessions, blank stares, and wax figures

Check out the poster for the new Jennifer Westfeldt movie Friends with Kids. 

1) This is like one of those group prom photos where everybody’s parents were snapping pictures at the same time so NO ONE is looking in the same direction.

2) Apparently Kristen Wiig was not available for this shoot so they subbed in her wax figure.  I don’t even think she’s famous enough to warrant a wax replica – and I feel like it would only be fair for the Target Lady to get one first.

3) Maya Rudolph is trying so hard to hide it but I can still see it on her face: someone just farted. She doesn’t know who it was yet, but dammit if it doesn’t smell like hell.

4) If the men could just shift their focus OFF of the women’s ears for one second I think that’d really improve the shot.  Yeah, Chris O’Dowd and Jon Hamm look adorably tickled by Rudolph and Westfeldt’s ears, respectively, but Adam Scott just looks like he’s consumed with schadenfreude over the wax that is melting off of Kristen’s.

5) What is Westfeldt doing with her right hand? That area is so overexposed I can’t even tell if she’s about to sample the icing off a cake or if that white thing is just a blob of mashed potatoes on the table that she enjoys rubbing between her fingers.

So based on the poster it looks like this movie is about a group of friends that is collectively attractive, tan, alcoholic, and not at all interested in looking in similar directions. Oh and at least some of them have kids.