Stretch velvet best used sparingly

While browsing a Goodwill recently I came across something very special: an old remnant from White Stag’s “Must Have Stretch Velvet” line.

image

Ah yes. The wardrobe-completing, essential, “MUST HAVE” ankle-length, long sleeve, crew neck, black stretch velvet dress.

image

If you farted in this dress I don't think the smell would ever come out.

Instead of marketing this dress as part of a witch costume (which is actually what I look like thanks to the boots I paired with it) or something to wear if your entire body is covered in sunburn (and it is also -30° outside), WHITE[cartoon deer]STAG© so boldly suggests that you make it part of one of your everyday ensembles.

image

Boy am I an idiot. That's why it looks so bad on me - I forgot to add a sash! LOL

That model is gorgeous and in amazing shape so somehow she can wear that dress and NOT appear to be completely covered in carpet but I think the rest of us are out of luck.  I guess you can’t expect too much from a clothing label named after deer afflicted with a rare genetic disorder.


When I first saw the Bass Pro Shops Master Catalog 2011

I was like

“Oh. What a gigantic waste of paper.”

But I’m a huge fan of catalogs. We get dozens of them at my house and I read them all, everything from woman’s apparel catalogs like Chadwicks (that specialize in clogs and multicolored suede), to old standbys like Harry and David and LL Bean, to even the lesser known ones like Doheny’s Water Warehouse (that seem boring but are actually goldmine time wasters).  Catalogs emit some sort of mystical energy from their glossy cores that immediately:

1) Alerts me of their existence in a room

2) Compels me to read them from cover to cover

And despite my initial misgivings things were no different with this whopper. With 700 pages ahead of me full of crap from “The World’s Leading Supplier of Premium Fishing Tackle” I cleared my schedule for the evening. Here are some things from the catalog that I want.

*~*Madelines BaSs PrO sHoPs WISH LIST 2011*~*

By: Madeline

 

1) This t-shirt, for ironic value

I also like this one

because based on the dog’s face I can assume only assume it stands for “NO! WTF!?”

2) Blow up chair for my room.

Takes me back to the days of elementary school (Okay, 6th grade) when I had a pink blow-up chair in my room and I thought I was such a badass.

This one would also be nice because if there was a flood I could just strap myself inside of this and float to safety.

3) Three Piece Furniture Set

Won’t this look great in my living room! And if need be I can move it outside into the woods and it will totally blend in.

4) Car Decoration

I was just noticing how unimpressive and wimpy my car looks with only an air freshener as decoration.

And I can think of no better place than my rear view mirror to hang an eight pronged weapon that will swing around widely and eventually impale me.

5) Extreme Sun Protection.

In this day and age you can never be too careful!

It seems like the UV Buff Headware would be really flattering.

knew it.



The latest take on forearm warmers

Have you recently learned how to knit?

Did you create some two toned, clashing, three piece set, the colors of which somehow do not attractively coordinate with any natural color of the rainbow? Does your child hate what you made? Do you beg them to wear it to school, but they say they’re too embarrassed?

Are you tired of their selfishness because, gosh, you know, you do so much for them and for once it would be great if they would just do something you said not because they wanted to but because it would make you happy? Do they still refuse? Do you threaten to take away TV, computer, and cellphone privileges and they still stand firm? And then even when you tell them that you will stop feeding them anything but bread and water and okay maybe some lunch meat for protein they still won’t wear it? And then you’re all okay well fine you have to have milk so you can continue to grow but nothing else and they STILL won’t wear your creation?

And then you’re like no you know what forget the milk and food *just water* because if you’re really hungry you will just wear what I goddamn made? And even when they’re too weak to get our of bed they somehow still have the strength to swat away the magenta/peach coordinating separates that you slaved over?


Here is what I have to say to everyone involved in this unfortunate situation


To whoever is responsible for what that poor girl is wearing: You have knitted one of the ugliest things I’ve ever seen in my life.  I would sooner eat that hat then wear it.

To the girl in the picture: You are clearly the victim of some questionable parenting.  If its any consolation, you seem like you are nice as well as good at blowing bubbles.

To Target Portrait Studios: Dammit, TPS!  First facelift baby and now this?  I just don’t understand why you take these weird pictures let alone PROUDLY DISPLAY THEM.