Some things that I will not be buying at Gap

1) A Hunting Outfit

Taking a page from this season’s hunting sportswear, Gap has paired their “Super Skinny Twill Pants” with their “Stitch Turtleneck Sweater.”  What an interesting and fashionable reappropriation of the clothes worn by those who kill animals for sport! Finally, the voices of women country-wide have been heard.  I can’t even tell you how many times I have wanted to look like I am about to go out and kill deer and been so disappointed that no casual, everyday, non-regulation hunting clothes for women existed.

Just wondering – does Gap know that hunters wear bright orange with camouflage not because it LOOKS GOOD but because it is often required by law as a measure to prevent hunters from accidentally shooting each other?

2) At worst a straight jacket, at best a thing your four year old daughter made

I’m getting such a straight jacket vibe from this, although that may just be because I can’t imagine anyone putting this on unless it was against their will.

Here’s some of what Gap has to say about their “Military Jacket:”

“Long dolman sleeves” – Oh great, dolman sleeves! THOSE ALWAYS FLATTER.

“Rear shoulder yoke with folded edge”  – I can’t… what does that even mean? To break it down: the jacket has a shoulder yoke… in the rear…. and the edge of said yoke is folded. Okay… neat.  From what I understand, the yoke helps to shape and improves the fit of the jacket.  So I think the only important thing in this case is that THE YOKE FAILED.

“Relaxed, blousy fit”  – Uh, when it looks like someone could smuggle a sandwich tray under the jacket, I think “relaxed fit” goes without saying.

3) This sweater

Seriously, Gap, I’m not asking you to go all Ralph Lauren on your models, but when the picture comes out like this…

You need to do some light photoshopping!  Or just reshoot the model except this time have her wear a sweater that’s two sizes smaller in the waist then this one! Or just burn the sweater! I don’t know.

This woman is probably 6 foot tall and 110 pounds, but with the sweater on she looks pretty darn average.  C’mon, Gap, fool us a little bit!!!  If a gorgeous, impossibly thin model looks like a lumpy, bloated potato in this sweater than what the hell hope is there for the rest of us??


The stirrup pants that changed everything

I was in third grade. My teacher called my class to the front for “carpet time.” You know, where you sat for what seemed like forever and talked about a book / spelling words / “What is soil?” / the “guess and check” method / “everyone put what you know about Christopher Columbus in the “K” column!” / “Here is a video about staying away from strangers” / “Friends, we really need to discuss who poured all the glue on the lizard cage.”  I distinctly remember my outfit:

  • An oversized white t shirt, probably from some vacation I didn’t even go on (thanks a lot family hand-me-downs)
  • White mountain clogs that gave me an extra two inches so I was able to tower over short teachers in addition to my entire grade
  • Forest green pleated stirrup pants

Unfortunately I can not find a picture of myself in the stirrups but Old Gold Vintage has kindly let me use a photo of a similar pair that recently sold in her Etsy store. So... imagine something like this on a freakishly tall 8 year old.

I looked down in my lap and noticed that my cotton forest green stirrup pants had begun to pill. Sweet, something to do during boring carpet time. I began to pull the little fluff balls off my pants.  I looked around the room, curious if any other girl was doing the same thing.

Huh, that’s weird. No one else is wearing anything but jeans today.

Wait.

Am I the only one that still wears these?

Shit.

I was suddenly so embarrassed.  How could I not have noticed the sea of blue denim surrounding the Island of Overgrown Moss that was my stirrup pants??  I couldn’t even remember the last time I had seen a pair of stirrup pants that wasn’t on a rerun of Clarissa Explains it All.  I had this horrible feeling that everyone in my class had been laughing at my pants for a long time. Oh god… I wear these like twice a week!

For the rest of the day, I felt like my stirrup pants were the pleated forest green elephant in the room.  I hid my ankles as well as I could but it wasn’t easy, given that my clogs basically provided a stage for them.

Even though no one ever said anything mean to me about those pants or even looked at them funny,  I never wore them again.  My love for them dissolved as quickly as you could say “Oh no, I’m standing out.”  Which is pretty dumb, isn’t it?  A kid that young should just wear what they want, right?  They shouldn’t have to care. Isn’t it kinda sad that I stopped wearing those stirrup pants that I loved so much just because no one else did?

Well…no.  You really have no idea what those things looked like in person.  Yeah, that moment on the carpet sticks out as the first time I felt pressure to be like everyone else. But more importantly, it was also the moment I began to suspect how unflattering stirrup pants truly are.


Off-Target and Forever Ugly

I haven’t posted on here in a while!  I guess I’ve been so busy with graduating, interning, and doing other things that I’m…I don’t know…happy about, I haven’t had the time to focus my cynical energy on the world around me.  Fortunately a recent shopping trip had renewed my contempt for all things retail.


First up is a piece of jewelry from Forever 21. 

Continue Reading


I get by with a little help from Phil Donahue

Recently I found these glasses at my house.

Lazy reenactment of finding the glasses. Obviously I did not feel like making my bed.

My first thought was “Who’s are these?” Quickly followed by “I WANT THEM TO BE MINE.”

And now I will say two things:

  1. I love glasses – the look of them on others, trying them on in stores, trying on my friend’s glasses, taking pictures of me in my friend’s glasses, putting pictures of me in aforementioned glasses on Facebook, quickly accumulating an embarrassing amount of said pictures, etc.
  2. I do not need glasses.  At all.

I assumed that the glasses had been purchased by my brother or sister to serve as the finishing touch on a “hipster” costume. I think it is obvious why I thought this – these are the epitome of “glasses that you wear because OMG they are like so old-fashioned and dorky!” and have thus become a staple of the trendy hipster look.  Sometimes I want to wear glasses like this only I really don’t think they would go with my wardrobe that is 99.9% Gap and Target. It would be a confusing mixture of irony and, I don’t know… sincerity? laziness?

Well I had all but given up hope that (barring a massive wardrobe upheaval) I would ever be able to wear glasses like this.  Until I found out that the specs were actually purchased by my stepfather a couple of years ago when he played Phil Donahue in a skit.

So maybe that’s how I’ll play it:

“Why are you wearing those? ….You don’t need glasses. And besides I really think that a more understated and “mainstream” pair would look better with your jeans and  gray long sleeve crew neck.  By the way didn’t you just wear that shirt like two days ago?  The stain on it looks really familiar.”

“I’m playing Phil Donahue in a skit later today. And go to hell!”


Stretch velvet best used sparingly

While browsing a Goodwill recently I came across something very special: an old remnant from White Stag’s “Must Have Stretch Velvet” line.

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Ah yes. The wardrobe-completing, essential, “MUST HAVE” ankle-length, long sleeve, crew neck, black stretch velvet dress.

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If you farted in this dress I don't think the smell would ever come out.

Instead of marketing this dress as part of a witch costume (which is actually what I look like thanks to the boots I paired with it) or something to wear if your entire body is covered in sunburn (and it is also -30° outside), WHITE[cartoon deer]STAG© so boldly suggests that you make it part of one of your everyday ensembles.

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Boy am I an idiot. That's why it looks so bad on me - I forgot to add a sash! LOL

That model is gorgeous and in amazing shape so somehow she can wear that dress and NOT appear to be completely covered in carpet but I think the rest of us are out of luck.  I guess you can’t expect too much from a clothing label named after deer afflicted with a rare genetic disorder.


The latest take on forearm warmers

Have you recently learned how to knit?

Did you create some two toned, clashing, three piece set, the colors of which somehow do not attractively coordinate with any natural color of the rainbow? Does your child hate what you made? Do you beg them to wear it to school, but they say they’re too embarrassed?

Are you tired of their selfishness because, gosh, you know, you do so much for them and for once it would be great if they would just do something you said not because they wanted to but because it would make you happy? Do they still refuse? Do you threaten to take away TV, computer, and cellphone privileges and they still stand firm? And then even when you tell them that you will stop feeding them anything but bread and water and okay maybe some lunch meat for protein they still won’t wear it? And then you’re all okay well fine you have to have milk so you can continue to grow but nothing else and they STILL won’t wear your creation?

And then you’re like no you know what forget the milk and food *just water* because if you’re really hungry you will just wear what I goddamn made? And even when they’re too weak to get our of bed they somehow still have the strength to swat away the magenta/peach coordinating separates that you slaved over?


Here is what I have to say to everyone involved in this unfortunate situation


To whoever is responsible for what that poor girl is wearing: You have knitted one of the ugliest things I’ve ever seen in my life.  I would sooner eat that hat then wear it.

To the girl in the picture: You are clearly the victim of some questionable parenting.  If its any consolation, you seem like you are nice as well as good at blowing bubbles.

To Target Portrait Studios: Dammit, TPS!  First facelift baby and now this?  I just don’t understand why you take these weird pictures let alone PROUDLY DISPLAY THEM.