I can’t think of a title CAUSE ALL I WANT IS SOME POPCORN

Like: Microwaves that have a popcorn setting and the resulting ability to perfectly pop a bag of popcorn for me myself and I and my friends.  I don’t know why but somehow there is a huge difference between me pressing “POPCORN” (and the microwave automatically running itself for 3 minutes) and me manually entering “TIME,” “3 MINUTES,” “START.”  And that difference once ended in a small fire.

Dislike: The fact that commercials for movies now only say “Available on Blu-ray.”   HEY.   You and I both know that your crappy movie is also available on DVD – don’t even TRY TO PRETEND that it’s not.  I am not buying a Blu-ray player anytime soon (or probably ever).  I still own VHS tapes. Give me a couple more years to mourn the loss of that technology.

Basically, give me a bag of 97% fat-free kettle corn and my VHS  copy of North and I’ll be good for the afternoon.

Or at least like twenty minutes.

Reasons why people run at night

You see a lot of strange things living on a college campus. But the one thing that’s left me confused since freshman year is seeing someone running at night. And I”m not talking about the exercise, I’m talking about the locomotion.  (By the way, typing that word just reminded me of elementary school gym when we had a unit on locomotion and we practiced different examples like the gallop, the skip, and the walk.  I mean how dumb were we back then that we had to practice walking? …Anyway!) Because while I do find it strange to see people exercising late at night, whats more confusing is when I see someone running at night, clad in what is clearly non-athletic apparel. And that type of “runner” is what comprises most of the items on this list of…

Reasons Why People Run at Night

1) They are an exercise freak.

If you keep up a running regiment that is awesome!  I salute your commitment to fitness.  But, and while I understand busy schedules, wanting to run at the end of the day, waiting until the air is cooler during the summer etc, if you run after midnight I think something is wrong with you.  I mean aren’t you scared of the dark?  I am!   But really you are just making me feel lazy and bad about myself and I don’t like it.

2) They are playing tag or any other “fun” game meant for elementary aged children.  (Humans vs. Zombies people I am looking at you.)

While I find this reason for running a  little strange I always give the person the benefit of the doubt and assume that whatever electronics they own must have just broken.  Also they must be in a fight or something with their “normal” friends so they’re ignoring them for the time being but soon they’ll probably forgive them and resume their friendship and go back to doing more age-appropriate fun activities at night like watching TV.  Or playing Gin Rummy.

3) They are running from the cops.

A rare reason, yes. But probably the only one I truly understand the reasoning behind.

And the final reason people run at night, the reason that I always assume to be true mainly because I live in the bubble of my college world where people rarely have their priorities in order and all logical reasoning pretty much goes out the window:

4) They are late to a party with a limited amount of beer.

If the runner in question isn’t intentionally exercising, playing a friendly game or being chased by the cops then I honestly can think of no other motivation but free alcohol.  This is college after all.*

*Mom, you know I hate exercising so believe me when I say I have never run at night…or during the day…or anytime at all until I turned 21.

The self-affirming possibilities of a yearbook quote

I have a strange affinity for early 90’s Saturday Night Live…I suspect it’s because I used to religiously tape the reruns on “E!”   Tape – Not record on  a DVD/hard drive. I taped the 2-3 episodes that aired every weekday and kept a small VHS library in my room.  Sort of like my own Hulu.  This was in 2006/2007, by the way, long after the inventions of both Tivo and YouTube.

Stuart Smalley was an SNL character from the early nineties:

Stuart was one of the few characters Al Franken did and the blunt, effeminate, Fig-Newton-loving man remains one of my favorites.  Obsessed with Twelve-Step Programs, he had his own 2am cable access show called Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley wherein he would attempt to diagnose his guest’s problem but would usually end up projecting his own issues on his guest, who usually never had a problem at all and always wound up comforting and reassuring Stuart in the end.  Something about his cringe-inducing honesty/obliviousness/love of Fig Newtons was hilarious to me.  He began every show by looking in his mirror and saying “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it people like me!”

Actually… no one really liked him.  Good for him though, right!?

I was looking over my senior yearbook while visiting home today and was reminded of the fact that I chose Stuart Smalley’s daily affirmation for my senior quote.  I remember spending waaaaay too much time figuring out how to spell “doggone it” for the quote, as if the correct spelling really mattered, as if the correct spelling of the word would somehow prevent my peers from thinking that I (at best) was lame for choosing  to quote a forgotten SNL sketch that no one thought was funny (and at worst that I was a total weirdo with a bizarre personal mantra I felt the need to share with everyone) instead of a meaningful song lyric/cool inspirational quote/inside-joke-phrase.

Of course at the time any one of those three things was exactly what I wanted my quote to be.  But I didn’t listen to music that I thought was cool enough/know any quotes that I thought were deep enough/have an inside joke with anyone that I thought was funny enough.

So I went with Stuart Smalley.  And I don’t regret it.