The three faces Meryl Streep makes on movie posters

Has anyone see Hope Springs? Yeah me neither. I caught the poster though, and Meryl’s face really seemed familiar to me. Almost as though she had made it several times before…

Meryl Streep’s “The Coy Flibbertigibbet” ®

 Endearingly bashful. Always on the verge of a chuckle. Coy as hell. 

Hope Springs wasn’t the first time Meryl looked lovingly at a man with her hand over her mouth!

Usually this face is accompanied by either a head tilt or a hand over the mouth. And Meryl doesn’t need a man to show us her flibbertigibbetness (at least not on the poster). Here she is makin’ the face with microphones, violins, and door frames!

The violin makes Meryl feel the same way that Jack, Tommy, and Clint did.

Yep, Meryl had done that face before. But that’s not the only one.  Meryl is a versatile actress with no less than seventeen Academy Award nominations under her belt.  Obviously she has other faces in her movie poster repertoire.

Meryl Streep’s “Don’t You Effing MESS with Me Right Now” ®

Always appears to be thinking: “You’ve got to be kidding. Wow… what you just said?  Literally, like,
the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.  I WEAR GLASSES AND I’M REALLY SERIOUS.”

Perhaps the most perfect example of her “DYEMWM” face didn’t appear on the movie poster, at least in the US.

“You think this is the first time I was omitted from a movie poster? So predictable. There’s always some large trident-healed stiletto graphic gunning to take my place. But you know, they love me abroad, and inevitably I’m added to the posters upon the movie’s release in Europe. I never thought I’d say this, but I see a lot of myself in the Europeans.”

There’s one more face I’ve noticed, and its the most prevalent yet plainest yet *MOST AMAZING MERYL FACE OF ALL*

Meryl’s Streep’s “Enough Tension in Her Lips to Pop out a Diamond” ®

In Meryl’s words: The closed-mouth smile conveys the strongest sense of dignity one can
possibility expect to maintain on a movie poster. It does not distract from my eyes, 
however, which truly are the
breadwinners of my face. Each eye has it’s own Academy Award, and as of my 2012 Oscar win, I now have an extra.
Subsequently, I am currently workshopping a third eye that I hope to grow in the center of my forehead.

As you can see, Meryl has perfected the closed mouth smile. But unlike the rest of us, who mostly just use it when there’s a picture being taken and we’re like 80% sure there’s broccoli in our teeth, Meryl uses it to convey a range of emotions that take moviegoers on journeys of the heart. Takes these movies for instance:

She Devil
Meryl has to battle with the ex-wife of her current man, who from this angle appears to be Queer Eye’s Carson Kressley. His ex-wife (played by Roseanne, at what we can only assume was the high point of her career) has the super-human ability to burst into flames and loves to torment the couple. In a pivotal scene, Roseanne photobombs them when they’re just trying to get a portrait done at JC Penny.

The Iron Lady
Meryl is the wealthy widow of Jared (of The Jared Galleria of Jewelry fame). One day, after visiting her chiropractor to treat her debilitating neck condition that causes it to rest at a rather uncomfortable 70º angle, she refuses to spare a dollar for the homeless woman outside the office. The woman casts a spell that will turn Meryl into an iron statue if she doesn’t change her greedy ways.

The Hours
Meryl, along with her two imaginary friends Elle Prittyhare and Myrtle Frounsalot (guess which one is played by Nicole Kidman…) has to wait at the DMV to renew her license. While waiting, she meets a mysterious florist who promises her that he will change her life by the time she leaves. Meryl learns a lot that day about patience (everyone told her not to go to the DMV on the last day of the month!!), opening yourself up to love (first step: stop imagining friends), and horticulture (Meryl gets a life-changing tip on how to make cut flowers last longer).

All of this goes to say that Meryl has a mouth that’s interesting on its own. She barely has to do anything with her face and my reaction to 90% of her movie posters is still: I want to see that.

Movie reviewers surprised by Channing Tatum’s comedic talents; clearly have never seen She’s the Man

It’s hard to sound “sarcastic and cool” (aka my sig. style) with a reference to the 2005 Amanda Bynes comedy She’s the Man. That is just a hurdle I will never be able to jump. I am, however, willing to expose my completely unironic like for the movie to make this point.

In the past week I’ve read several reviews of 21 Jump Street. Most say a version of the following:

  1. Movie overall: Not bad!
  2. Oh my god… Channing Tatum is… funny. No, no NO DON’T WALK AWAY UNTIL YOU HEAR ME OUT. I mean it. He made me… laugh. I just…wow. I didn’t know that Channing Tatum could ever make me feel this way  – like I can finally love again.

Okay, obviously paraphrased, but the main idea is 100% true. So many reviewers expressed surprise over Tatum’s comedic ability.  I just don’t understand this because, as mentioned above, he’s had comedic roles before (if you disagree with me on STM, check out The Dilemma) and, in my humble opinion, did not completely suck and was actually pretty good.

I even wonder why all of them included the “Tatum-is-really-funny-no-for-real-he-is bit” in their reviews.  Was there a general doubt in the public as to Tatum’s comedic talent?  Was this, like, a “thing?” (Oh the former exotic dancer Channing Tatum? No, there’s just no way he could perform well in anything but a SERIOUS ROLE.)  I feel like the reviewers think that the following conversation frequently occurs across America:

Person 1: Hey let’s see a movie this weekend.

Person 2: Good idea! You always have those. What do you want to see?

Person 1: I was thinking 21 Jump Street. Did you know that it is based on an 80’s TV show? I had not yet heard that fact!

Person 2: I meant to inturrupt you before your second sentence but then I got sidetracked by that brand new piece of information. But back to what is currently of the utmost importance: I will NOT see 21 Jump Street – because I want to laugh this weekend!  And the only way I can laugh during a movie is if BOTH of it’s stars have a consistent track record of making me laugh.  Jonah Hill is fine in my book but I know that I will leave the theater in a deep depression if I have to sit through 120 minutes of that humorless jughead Channing Tatum. He is not funny!!!! No, nope, no way and there is nothing you could do to convince me otherwise.

Person 1: Look at this review.

Person 2: BOY AM I AN IDIOT.

“Friends with Kids” poster: a study in ear obsessions, blank stares, and wax figures

Check out the poster for the new Jennifer Westfeldt movie Friends with Kids. 

1) This is like one of those group prom photos where everybody’s parents were snapping pictures at the same time so NO ONE is looking in the same direction.

2) Apparently Kristen Wiig was not available for this shoot so they subbed in her wax figure.  I don’t even think she’s famous enough to warrant a wax replica – and I feel like it would only be fair for the Target Lady to get one first.

3) Maya Rudolph is trying so hard to hide it but I can still see it on her face: someone just farted. She doesn’t know who it was yet, but dammit if it doesn’t smell like hell.

4) If the men could just shift their focus OFF of the women’s ears for one second I think that’d really improve the shot.  Yeah, Chris O’Dowd and Jon Hamm look adorably tickled by Rudolph and Westfeldt’s ears, respectively, but Adam Scott just looks like he’s consumed with schadenfreude over the wax that is melting off of Kristen’s.

5) What is Westfeldt doing with her right hand? That area is so overexposed I can’t even tell if she’s about to sample the icing off a cake or if that white thing is just a blob of mashed potatoes on the table that she enjoys rubbing between her fingers.

So based on the poster it looks like this movie is about a group of friends that is collectively attractive, tan, alcoholic, and not at all interested in looking in similar directions. Oh and at least some of them have kids.