Here is what to do if (you are me and) you are scared of spiders (like I am) and you find one in your house (like I did this past weekend while visiting home for Easter!!!!!!!!1)
Go to the bathroom. Sit on toilet. Pee. Look at the floor to your right and see a daddy-longlegs spider.
Realize that you are not looking at a daddy-longlegs.
Panic. Try to finish quickly. Pee in pants a tiny bit in effort to quickly get away from what looks like a poisonous spider. [Criteria for looking like a poisonous spider: not looking like a daddy-longlegs]
Enlist younger brother to grab spider-trapping supplies. Remain in bathroom and stare at enemy spider to make sure it doesn’t leave and go hide somewhere to plan later attack.
Trap spider in between tupperwear container and printer paper in an epic five minute long struggle (wherein the spider largely remains motionless).
In true Teddy Geiger fashion, muster up every ounce of confidence you have (teen pop singer with a 2006 sort of radio hit…no? fine) and dump spider into high-security spider cage, or, if one is not available, an old plastic container that once held feta cheese. Freak out and scream every 2 seconds during the process. Notice six year old brother beside you calmly playing with Legos.
Quickly put lid on container and resist urge to throw it across the room. Place it on kitchen counter.
Make a sign so your family knows what is in the container. Note: it is not feta cheese!
Show your mother the spider when she gets home. Be ridiculed. Forget about spider and resume normal activities (play some Nintendo and eat some guacamole).
Later, realize that spider container is no longer on kitchen counter. Ask family members where it is. Receive no information.
Spend rest of the weekend knowing that the spider is watching you. Take your mind off of it with more Nintendo and guacamole.
Humidity + no air conditioning + I’m-at-home-and-forgot-to-bring-hair-gel
But really…I think my hair would have rocked in the 80’s. Can you imagine the volume I could obtain if I crimped it? I would probably be able to hide things in my hair.
Recently I found these glasses at my house.
My first thought was “Who’s are these?” Quickly followed by “I WANT THEM TO BE MINE.”
And now I will say two things:
- I love glasses – the look of them on others, trying them on in stores, trying on my friend’s glasses, taking pictures of me in my friend’s glasses, putting pictures of me in aforementioned glasses on Facebook, quickly accumulating an embarrassing amount of said pictures, etc.
- I do not need glasses. At all.
I assumed that the glasses had been purchased by my brother or sister to serve as the finishing touch on a “hipster” costume. I think it is obvious why I thought this – these are the epitome of “glasses that you wear because OMG they are like so old-fashioned and dorky!” and have thus become a staple of the trendy hipster look. Sometimes I want to wear glasses like this only I really don’t think they would go with my wardrobe that is 99.9% Gap and Target. It would be a confusing mixture of irony and, I don’t know… sincerity? laziness?
Well I had all but given up hope that (barring a massive wardrobe upheaval) I would ever be able to wear glasses like this. Until I found out that the specs were actually purchased by my stepfather a couple of years ago when he played Phil Donahue in a skit.
So maybe that’s how I’ll play it:
“Why are you wearing those? ….You don’t need glasses. And besides I really think that a more understated and “mainstream” pair would look better with your jeans and gray long sleeve crew neck. By the way didn’t you just wear that shirt like two days ago? The stain on it looks really familiar.”
“I’m playing Phil Donahue in a skit later today. And go to hell!”