Lost phones & auto correct music suggestions

I lost my cell phone last weekend. Other than the pictures and videos that I’ll never get back, I’m not sorry its gone.  This is mostly because while the LG Spectrum has all the capabilities of a great phone, its battery life rivals that of a Tamagotchi. It wasn’t exactly a “grab ‘n go” phone.

It also had a bunch of really annoying quirks, one of which was the auto correct/auto complete function. The weirdest example was how every time I started to text a word with the letter “k” or the letter “i” followed by punctuation of any kind, my phone would jump in and offer “k.d.lang” as its best possible guess of what I was about to type. In a rush, I accidentally sent a lot of confusing texts.

If my phone’s auto correct dictionary worked at McDonalds, it would stop you after the first syllable of your order and say “Wait don’t tell me… you want three plain burger buns, half a chicken nugget, a ketchup cup full of Diet Coke, and a Fruit & Walnut salad thrown at your body.”  And while you’re standing there in shock at what they just said (although you probably wouldn’t say no to some candied walnuts) they’re just staring at you with an idiotic smile, proud to be an amazing order guesser.

I thought k.d.lang was like a hot young rapper or something. I assumed that LG had thought it would be really “cool” and “hip” and “in with the young crowd” to add this rapper’s name into the auto correct dictionary.  This explanation was good enough for me at least, so rather than investigate the matter I resigned to sending the occasional unintended k.d. lang name drop.

Fast forward to the day after I lost my phone. I spent the majority of that morning and afternoon calling every place I had been the previous night and simultaneously working with Verizon to get my old phone connected. (God it was such a fun day. I feel so bad that I didn’t invite you!!!) Towards the end of it all, as it became more and more clear that I wasn’t getting my LG Spectrum back, I remembered its auto correct quirk and decided to finally google “k.d. lang.” I wanted to get a look at this hot young rapper.

Turns out… k.d. lang is actually a fifty year old “Canadian pop and country singer-songwriter” not to mention “an animal rights, gay rights, and Tibetan human rights activist.” (thanks Wikipedia! try not to change this entry in the next month cause I just quoted you kthanks). My search led me to a video of her performing “Hallelujah” at the 2005 Juno Awards and WOW she is a talented performer. Ignore the fact that she appears to be wearing a fancy bathrobe and just listen to her voice.

Clearly, my phone was trying to tell me about her all along. Unfortunately, I was too busy going into rage mode over the inconvenience of having a small computer guess what I was saying in order to save me the time of typing it all out.  And even though my phone’s  auto correct was negative help, and even though it randomly closed applications no matter how well I was doing on my current Free Flow game, and even though it could barely charge up enough to power its GPS for a ten minute drive… I sort of miss it now.

NOT!  I’m glad to be back to my old phone and should have never let it go. DROIDS 4EVR*

*until I can afford an iphone.

A short play inspired by some inappropriate Bahamian jewelry

Hi. This is my cart of stuff I sell.  On it you will find scrunchies, half blown up balloons, and overtly sexual wooden pendants.

While I can certainly understand the purpose (if not the appeal) of wearing one of the lovely “message pendants” shown above, I feel like the one with just a “69” might not adequately convey the intended message.  Below, a short play.

 Hold the Pickles Please: a Seduction by the Deep Fryer


Overtly sexual pendent wearer: Male/Female, mid forties. Extroverted.

McDonald’s Employee: Male, age 16. Took the job to save up for a car. Earns minimum wage. Close with family, well liked by peers. Just wants to get through work and go home.


OVERTLY SEXUAL PENDENT WEARER: [approaches counter] Hi, do you like my necklace? I don’t know if you thought the number on it was my age or like the number of my favorite football player but just so you know it refers to a thing that I like to do sexually.

MC DONALD’S EMPLOYEE:  I’m just supposed to take your order and hand you your food. [pause, remembering] Welcome to McDonald’s.

OSPW: Oh okay. [quickly glances at menu] Fries. But like I didn’t know if you thought that it was my lucky number or if it referred to the item count of a collection I have of like stamps or buttons or state quarters or whatever-

MCDE: What size?

OSPW: Uh…Medium. Back to my necklace.  I just want you to know and…

MCDE: [talking over, loudly] For here or to go?

OSPW:  …UNDERSTAND that the number is code for a thing that I like to do…

MCDE: I’ll just bag them for you…

OSPW: [interrupting] sexually.

Silence. Both stand still for a moment listening to the bustling sounds around them. A cash register beeps.

MCDE: Please stop propositioning me.