Acid Rain Conditioner – only 99 cents!

Me in the the grocery store:

I need a new conditioner! Hmm, last month I bought an expensive one and it wasn’t all that. I think I’ll go back to the cheapo now.

[Madeline reaches her hand toward a bottle of Suave but is distracted by a LOWER PRICE]

Wait… what’s this? White Rain Energizing Citrus …Ninety-nine cents. Good NIGHT they’re practically giving this stuff away! Whew…I’m so glad I realized that expensive conditioner isn’t worth the money.

[Dark clouds form overhead. Madeline puts the White Rain Energizing Citrus conditioner into her cart. She does not notice the ominous dark clouds even though she’s indoors and that really isn’t normal]

Fast forward to the next morning. I’m in the shower, putting on the conditioner, and completely damning my frugality to hell. Because White Rain’s Energizing Citrus is literally the worst conditioner (energizing or otherwise) that I have ever tried. Here’s why:

1) The “Energizing Citrus” scent is horrible. Although its smell does indeed “energize” me to get the hell out of the shower, by “citrus” they must mean “citrus-smelling floor cleaner commonly used in nursing homes.”

2) The consistency of this product is somewhere between relish and a watery salad dressing. This would not be an appealing condiment and it is certainly not an appealing conditioner texture.

3) Back to the smell, because I just remembered another thing it reminds me of: throw-up disinfectant. Seriously, throw some sawdust in the shower and the next person would be all “Hey, who threw up in here?”

4) What is “white rain” anyway? Acid rain? What other kind of rain would be white?

“But Madeline,” you say, “I don’t care about conditioner. I’m sure you are exaggerating.”

You’re right, I am doing that. But please do not underestimate how awful this conditioner is! Honestly, you would be better off if you just poured melted butter all over your hair and sprayed it with Febreeze. Your hair will be softer and it’ll smell better too.

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