The three faces Meryl Streep makes on movie posters

Has anyone see Hope Springs? Yeah me neither. I caught the poster though, and Meryl’s face really seemed familiar to me. Almost as though she had made it several times before…

Meryl Streep’s “The Coy Flibbertigibbet” ®

 Endearingly bashful. Always on the verge of a chuckle. Coy as hell. 

Hope Springs wasn’t the first time Meryl looked lovingly at a man with her hand over her mouth!

Usually this face is accompanied by either a head tilt or a hand over the mouth. And Meryl doesn’t need a man to show us her flibbertigibbetness (at least not on the poster). Here she is makin’ the face with microphones, violins, and door frames!

The violin makes Meryl feel the same way that Jack, Tommy, and Clint did.

Yep, Meryl had done that face before. But that’s not the only one.  Meryl is a versatile actress with no less than seventeen Academy Award nominations under her belt.  Obviously she has other faces in her movie poster repertoire.

Meryl Streep’s “Don’t You Effing MESS with Me Right Now” ®

Always appears to be thinking: “You’ve got to be kidding. Wow… what you just said?  Literally, like,
the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.  I WEAR GLASSES AND I’M REALLY SERIOUS.”

Perhaps the most perfect example of her “DYEMWM” face didn’t appear on the movie poster, at least in the US.

“You think this is the first time I was omitted from a movie poster? So predictable. There’s always some large trident-healed stiletto graphic gunning to take my place. But you know, they love me abroad, and inevitably I’m added to the posters upon the movie’s release in Europe. I never thought I’d say this, but I see a lot of myself in the Europeans.”

There’s one more face I’ve noticed, and its the most prevalent yet plainest yet *MOST AMAZING MERYL FACE OF ALL*

Meryl’s Streep’s “Enough Tension in Her Lips to Pop out a Diamond” ®

In Meryl’s words: The closed-mouth smile conveys the strongest sense of dignity one can
possibility expect to maintain on a movie poster. It does not distract from my eyes, 
however, which truly are the
breadwinners of my face. Each eye has it’s own Academy Award, and as of my 2012 Oscar win, I now have an extra.
Subsequently, I am currently workshopping a third eye that I hope to grow in the center of my forehead.

As you can see, Meryl has perfected the closed mouth smile. But unlike the rest of us, who mostly just use it when there’s a picture being taken and we’re like 80% sure there’s broccoli in our teeth, Meryl uses it to convey a range of emotions that take moviegoers on journeys of the heart. Takes these movies for instance:

She Devil
Meryl has to battle with the ex-wife of her current man, who from this angle appears to be Queer Eye’s Carson Kressley. His ex-wife (played by Roseanne, at what we can only assume was the high point of her career) has the super-human ability to burst into flames and loves to torment the couple. In a pivotal scene, Roseanne photobombs them when they’re just trying to get a portrait done at JC Penny.

The Iron Lady
Meryl is the wealthy widow of Jared (of The Jared Galleria of Jewelry fame). One day, after visiting her chiropractor to treat her debilitating neck condition that causes it to rest at a rather uncomfortable 70º angle, she refuses to spare a dollar for the homeless woman outside the office. The woman casts a spell that will turn Meryl into an iron statue if she doesn’t change her greedy ways.

The Hours
Meryl, along with her two imaginary friends Elle Prittyhare and Myrtle Frounsalot (guess which one is played by Nicole Kidman…) has to wait at the DMV to renew her license. While waiting, she meets a mysterious florist who promises her that he will change her life by the time she leaves. Meryl learns a lot that day about patience (everyone told her not to go to the DMV on the last day of the month!!), opening yourself up to love (first step: stop imagining friends), and horticulture (Meryl gets a life-changing tip on how to make cut flowers last longer).

All of this goes to say that Meryl has a mouth that’s interesting on its own. She barely has to do anything with her face and my reaction to 90% of her movie posters is still: I want to see that.

Lost phones & auto correct music suggestions

I lost my cell phone last weekend. Other than the pictures and videos that I’ll never get back, I’m not sorry its gone.  This is mostly because while the LG Spectrum has all the capabilities of a great phone, its battery life rivals that of a Tamagotchi. It wasn’t exactly a “grab ‘n go” phone.

It also had a bunch of really annoying quirks, one of which was the auto correct/auto complete function. The weirdest example was how every time I started to text a word with the letter “k” or the letter “i” followed by punctuation of any kind, my phone would jump in and offer “k.d.lang” as its best possible guess of what I was about to type. In a rush, I accidentally sent a lot of confusing texts.

If my phone’s auto correct dictionary worked at McDonalds, it would stop you after the first syllable of your order and say “Wait don’t tell me… you want three plain burger buns, half a chicken nugget, a ketchup cup full of Diet Coke, and a Fruit & Walnut salad thrown at your body.”  And while you’re standing there in shock at what they just said (although you probably wouldn’t say no to some candied walnuts) they’re just staring at you with an idiotic smile, proud to be an amazing order guesser.

I thought k.d.lang was like a hot young rapper or something. I assumed that LG had thought it would be really “cool” and “hip” and “in with the young crowd” to add this rapper’s name into the auto correct dictionary.  This explanation was good enough for me at least, so rather than investigate the matter I resigned to sending the occasional unintended k.d. lang name drop.

Fast forward to the day after I lost my phone. I spent the majority of that morning and afternoon calling every place I had been the previous night and simultaneously working with Verizon to get my old phone connected. (God it was such a fun day. I feel so bad that I didn’t invite you!!!) Towards the end of it all, as it became more and more clear that I wasn’t getting my LG Spectrum back, I remembered its auto correct quirk and decided to finally google “k.d. lang.” I wanted to get a look at this hot young rapper.

Turns out… k.d. lang is actually a fifty year old “Canadian pop and country singer-songwriter” not to mention “an animal rights, gay rights, and Tibetan human rights activist.” (thanks Wikipedia! try not to change this entry in the next month cause I just quoted you kthanks). My search led me to a video of her performing “Hallelujah” at the 2005 Juno Awards and WOW she is a talented performer. Ignore the fact that she appears to be wearing a fancy bathrobe and just listen to her voice.

Clearly, my phone was trying to tell me about her all along. Unfortunately, I was too busy going into rage mode over the inconvenience of having a small computer guess what I was saying in order to save me the time of typing it all out.  And even though my phone’s  auto correct was negative help, and even though it randomly closed applications no matter how well I was doing on my current Free Flow game, and even though it could barely charge up enough to power its GPS for a ten minute drive… I sort of miss it now.

NOT!  I’m glad to be back to my old phone and should have never let it go. DROIDS 4EVR*

*until I can afford an iphone.

Some things that I will not be buying at Gap

1) A Hunting Outfit

Taking a page from this season’s hunting sportswear, Gap has paired their “Super Skinny Twill Pants” with their “Stitch Turtleneck Sweater.”  What an interesting and fashionable reappropriation of the clothes worn by those who kill animals for sport! Finally, the voices of women country-wide have been heard.  I can’t even tell you how many times I have wanted to look like I am about to go out and kill deer and been so disappointed that no casual, everyday, non-regulation hunting clothes for women existed.

Just wondering – does Gap know that hunters wear bright orange with camouflage not because it LOOKS GOOD but because it is often required by law as a measure to prevent hunters from accidentally shooting each other?

2) At worst a straight jacket, at best a thing your four year old daughter made

I’m getting such a straight jacket vibe from this, although that may just be because I can’t imagine anyone putting this on unless it was against their will.

Here’s some of what Gap has to say about their “Military Jacket:”

“Long dolman sleeves” – Oh great, dolman sleeves! THOSE ALWAYS FLATTER.

“Rear shoulder yoke with folded edge”  – I can’t… what does that even mean? To break it down: the jacket has a shoulder yoke… in the rear…. and the edge of said yoke is folded. Okay… neat.  From what I understand, the yoke helps to shape and improves the fit of the jacket.  So I think the only important thing in this case is that THE YOKE FAILED.

“Relaxed, blousy fit”  – Uh, when it looks like someone could smuggle a sandwich tray under the jacket, I think “relaxed fit” goes without saying.

3) This sweater

Seriously, Gap, I’m not asking you to go all Ralph Lauren on your models, but when the picture comes out like this…

You need to do some light photoshopping!  Or just reshoot the model except this time have her wear a sweater that’s two sizes smaller in the waist then this one! Or just burn the sweater! I don’t know.

This woman is probably 6 foot tall and 110 pounds, but with the sweater on she looks pretty darn average.  C’mon, Gap, fool us a little bit!!!  If a gorgeous, impossibly thin model looks like a lumpy, bloated potato in this sweater than what the hell hope is there for the rest of us??